There are certain darker, more uglier aspects of our society that as a parent I would rather shield my 10 year-old son Julian from for as long as I can. For example, we want our children to grow up in a healthy safe nurturing environment so naturally we’re careful about what movies and video games they’re exposed to. But I’m not naïve enough to think that I’ll be able to shield him from every little thing. My son loves sports and lately even with that ESPN is depicting some pretty serious issues of domestic violence and child disciplining. Even matters of subtle racism will rear it’s ugly head from time to time, which is unfortunately what we encountered a couple weeks ago.
We recently attended a summer camp open house down off the North Carolina coast. Families were invited to visit the camp over the weekend and partake in all the camp activities. There was a zip-line, archery, target range, tennis, golf, motor boating and sailing etc. It was pretty neat- lots to see and do and experience. (although having to sleep on bunk beds in the non air-conditioned cabins that time of year was brutal for us adults).
Although the interaction and conversations with other families during meals and activities were polite and pleasant enough, we couldn’t help notice that we were literally the only non-white family among the hundred or so families there. No other asian or black families whatsoever. Everything seemed fine though. But there was one particular incident my wife Jennifer later shared with me when she and Julian were standing in line for the zip-line. Ahead of them in line were a few girls, about 8 or 9 years old. They were all uttering “ching-chong-ching” loud enough for my wife and son to hear. Jen could hear them making this obvious racial gesture even though Julian probably didn’t notice or realize what they were doing. He’s still naïve and innocent enough at his age thank God.
Jen was pretty offended by this but to her credit she didn’t say anything or make an issue of it. But that’s pretty brazen for white kids to tease not just towards some asian kid but to also do that to an adult. When my wife later told me about it she asked me if I thought she should’ve said something to them or told their parents or staff. In my opinion it wouldn’t have made any difference telling their parents since I would assume this kind of attitude is fostered by the adults.
So now this minor little incident places us in a different context of enrolling Julian in the summer camp next year. We didn’t create that situation but now we’re confronted by it. I can’t be sure how far something like this could escalate when he’s in camp by himself. It could be potentially devastating to him. It’s the kind of thing that I know I’ll have to talk to Julian about. Not sure what he’ll completely understand about it. Part of me resents having to even bring it up in this day and age.
I have to resist my personal reaction from my own negative experiences growing up and the subtle racial undertones I observed around Julian even in MD. But as a Christian parent how do I discuss this kind of thing in such a way as to not embitter him and thus defeat him, but inform him as to the messed-up way the forces of this world seeks to tear one another down? Showing that level of grace towards each other is a major challenge for adults let alone children. I have to trust that God will continue to watch over his heart and mind and allow him to emerge as a light to this darkness. To that I say amen.

From Pastor Mark’s Heart
September 21, 2014

Think of the last conversation you had with someone that involved advice giving from either party.  If you were the recipient of advice, how did you feel after that “wisdom bomb” was dropped on you?  Did you feel wiser?  Ready to take on the task you needed advice on?  Let me switch it up a bit.  Did you feel loved?  Did you feel like the person you went to actually cared about your situation?  For the advice givers, did you take time to ask questions about the person and their situation?  What was the more prevailing thought in your mind, “what should I say “ or “how should I love”?
At one point in my ministry, I realized that a successful day of work would be squeezing in as many meetings with people in the span of 4-5 hours.  That’s what a pastor does, right?  With that definition, I was absolutely successful.  Every few days, I would go down the list of people in my ministries, schedule meetings, drop a “wisdom bomb” or two or three, and on to the next.  I was the best wisdom bomber I could be, ruthlessly proclaiming truths of scripture and life into those less wise and experienced than I. 
Then a sad realization came – the people that I had met with were still struggling with the issue they came to me for!  Heathens!  How could they, when the power and truth of scripture was so clearly stated by me?  “It must be them, not me.  They have issues,” I’d reassure myself, because I was speaking truth as I was called to do.  As I struggled through this process, God graciously lead me to the famous Ephesians 4:15 where the Apostle Paul emphasizes the way in which we interact with people, “with truth in love.”  Often times, this scripture is viewed in the context of conversation; as we speak, we must speak truth with a healthy dose of loving comments here and there.  Though this is true, I believe that Apostle Paul is asking us to take it a step further.  “Truth in love” is not in the context of semantics or conversation but rather the speaking of truth is in the context of the pursuit of loving our brothers and sisters as Christ first loved us.  Pretty simple, right?  Maybe, but what if I phrased the verse like this: “As you are loving those around you as Christ loved, speak truth.”  Living that out is a bit harder, but that’s exactly what Christ commands.  In our fast-paced culture, we are so ready to give one-liners that will fix all problems instead of taking the time to love the individual and put ourselves in their shoes.
Stephen Covey in his book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” suggests one way to enhance the effectiveness of conversations is to constantly practice empathetic listening.  He states, regarding our natural inclination in conversation:
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. . . . They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives... [they must] seek first to understand, then seek to be understood”
And about what it means to listen with empathy:
“Empathetic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel. . . . You’re listening to understand.”
And to me, that’s exactly how Jesus listens to us.  If Jesus, the most empathetic, wise, and loving being in the world takes time to know us, see us, and love us as we are, wouldn’t that be the most effective AND loving way to approach all our conversations?
Friends, let’s be slow to speak and quick to listen.  Let’s take the time to love and care for everyone we are blessed to converse with because one of the essential ways to speak and live out the Word of God is to listen.

From Pastor Keeyoung’s Heart
September 7, 2014