Think of the last conversation you had with someone that involved advice giving from either party. If you were the recipient of advice, how did you feel after that “wisdom bomb” was dropped on you? Did you feel wiser? Ready to take on the task you needed advice on? Let me switch it up a bit. Did you feel loved? Did you feel like the person you went to actually cared about your situation? For the advice givers, did you take time to ask questions about the person and their situation? What was the more prevailing thought in your mind, “what should I say “ or “how should I love”?
At one point in my ministry, I realized that a successful day of work would be squeezing in as many meetings with people in the span of 4-5 hours. That’s what a pastor does, right? With that definition, I was absolutely successful. Every few days, I would go down the list of people in my ministries, schedule meetings, drop a “wisdom bomb” or two or three, and on to the next. I was the best wisdom bomber I could be, ruthlessly proclaiming truths of scripture and life into those less wise and experienced than I.
Then a sad realization came – the people that I had met with were still struggling with the issue they came to me for! Heathens! How could they, when the power and truth of scripture was so clearly stated by me? “It must be them, not me. They have issues,” I’d reassure myself, because I was speaking truth as I was called to do. As I struggled through this process, God graciously lead me to the famous Ephesians 4:15 where the Apostle Paul emphasizes the way in which we interact with people, “with truth in love.” Often times, this scripture is viewed in the context of conversation; as we speak, we must speak truth with a healthy dose of loving comments here and there. Though this is true, I believe that Apostle Paul is asking us to take it a step further. “Truth in love” is not in the context of semantics or conversation but rather the speaking of truth is in the context of the pursuit of loving our brothers and sisters as Christ first loved us. Pretty simple, right? Maybe, but what if I phrased the verse like this: “As you are loving those around you as Christ loved, speak truth.” Living that out is a bit harder, but that’s exactly what Christ commands. In our fast-paced culture, we are so ready to give one-liners that will fix all problems instead of taking the time to love the individual and put ourselves in their shoes.
Stephen Covey in his book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” suggests one way to enhance the effectiveness of conversations is to constantly practice empathetic listening. He states, regarding our natural inclination in conversation:
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. . . . They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives... [they must] seek first to understand, then seek to be understood”
And about what it means to listen with empathy:
“Empathetic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel. . . . You’re listening to understand.”
And to me, that’s exactly how Jesus listens to us. If Jesus, the most empathetic, wise, and loving being in the world takes time to know us, see us, and love us as we are, wouldn’t that be the most effective AND loving way to approach all our conversations?
Friends, let’s be slow to speak and quick to listen. Let’s take the time to love and care for everyone we are blessed to converse with because one of the essential ways to speak and live out the Word of God is to listen.
From Pastor Keeyoung’s Heart
September 7, 2014