While I was on the church website recently I made the mistake of clicking on the archived recording of my first sermon from last May. Ever done that? Ever reviewed a recording of yourself giving a speech or presentation? Ugh!! It's excruciating isn't it to see and hear yourself publicly speaking? You tend to be hyper-critical of every little mistake in your delivery and overall presentation and appearance. As I watched the sermon clip I cringed at how twitchy I was- lots of constant nervous movement, my hands flailing about and I paced back and forth too. With my day job I’m in court all the time and so one would think that form of public speaking would help a little here. I think I’m comfortable speaking generally but it’s enormously humbling when it comes to speaking from the pulpit. Pastor Jamie has even commented that all of one’s nervous ticks become even more evident when preaching.
What made me cringe even more while viewing my sermon was the fact that I spoke with a speech impediment- a lisp. A lisp is the inability to enunciate the letter "s" clearly and it comes out as a "th" sound. Jesus, for example, comes out like “Jethuth”. I know that I had to take speech therapy classes for this when I was in 6th grade. I don’t think it’s as bad now as it was then but I guess I just never realized that it was still audibly noticeable some 30 years later!
The ridiculous thing is that my lisp, which is obvious to everyone else, was new to me. I was so mortified that I even Googled local speech therapists and online speech impediment exercises to try and correct it. I’m so self-conscious now I even try to avoid speaking words spelled with an “s.” It’s embarrassing and I also think some people associate a person who speaks with a lisp with having low IQ. Oh that’s just great. How am I ever going to get anyone to listen to me if they already presume I’m some kind of a moron?!? (Although I assure you I might very well be an imbecile with or without a lisp.)
I dunno but just maybe this little self-revelation of mine is a metaphor for life and our self-image we think we project. When in actuality we’re blind to all these little peculiarities apparent to everyone but ourselves. Boy, I felt so much better about myself living in “blithful ignoranthe.” But as I’ve shared before as part of my testimony, perhaps this is yet another recent instance- albeit public and embarrassing- that God uses to humble and disciple me. I’m better off because of it no doubt.
Pastor Neil preached last week we shouldn't compare ourselves with others but be thankful for who we are. But I can't help it I envy and covet all you people who can clearly pronounce your “s”. I thought of suing every one of you. But then again, it occurred to me that God uses all of us either because of or in spite of our imperfections. Besides, better speech won't draw me closer to God or give me greater clarity of thought in the Word when preaching. My only hope (and prayer) is that the message within the actual spoken Word undeniably overcomes my own human limitations. As Apostle Paul wrote of his own weaknesses, “God’s grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in weakness.”
During corporate prayer at the Alpha retreat last weekend I spoke a prophetic word of knowledge to another for the first time in my life. . . and whew, the particular word didn't have a single "s" in it to have to pronounce. Amen to that, God is good!
From Pastor Mark’s Heart
November 25, 2012