It's become something of a running joke about the fact that i break down in tears when I'm preaching or even just talking with others, whether it's during Saturday early morning prayer, staff Oikos or service. I've tried to make light of it in order to perhaps make it stop. I assure you that nowhere in my personal sermon notes do I have any notation "cry here for dramatic effect." My season of weeping has been going on now for hmmm, let's see - 5 or 6 years now! I can recall back then when things were starting to happen to me in my spiritual growth., I was in my car driving northbound on I-270. I didn't have any particular thing weighing on my mind but as I was on the highway driving past NCFC I started crying- bawling actually. Now that's just plain weird.
I'm not quite sure about what exactly is occurring when I get that emotional. It's definitely not as though I'm in grief but moreso because I'm relieved and touched that God would still bother to be present and at work in my heart and mind despite my many screwups. I guess it also has something to do with the fact that for 40-plus years I had been blind to certain anger issues that in the last two to three years since seminary I've had to finally confront for maybe the first time in my life. I won't bore you with the details of all of that but I think maybe it's God's way of breaking me down- breaking down a lot of hurt and dysfunction that had manifested over the years which were damaging to my relationships as a husband, father and brother in Christ.
It's embarrassing to be sure to breakdown like that in public. I don't mind the emotional part at all when I'm by myself or standing in the congregation anonymously but who knows, maybe a dose of public humiliation now and again is good for the soul too. I know most guys would prefer to be more stoic and non-expressive of emotions because we tend to associate emotion with effeminate weakness. And none of us guys want to appear as complete wimps. But I think the Spirit moves in that emotional realm. So when we build up those walls by denying this response I think we lose out on those transforming moments of love and grace that God wants for everyone, even the tough guys. Amen to that.

From Pastor Mark’s Heart
October 14, 2012

This past week as I was sitting in my office  I logged onto facebook and started visiting old friends from college and found myself  thinking back to my college days all because of the “people you may know” and “mutual friends” section on my friends’ pages. So many good memories of my “youth” made me smile and brought such warmth to my heart. One common thing I noticed as I was visiting the pages of my friends from college is that their facebook pages were filled with pictures of their families, especially their kids. This is a huge change from when we used to post up “self-shots” on Xanga or cyworld (for fobs). Most of the people got married with someone I don’t really know but there were a number of people who married within the circle of friends that used to hang out together in college. I for one am an example of that. My wife and I met in a campus ministry in 2002 and became friends and got married in 2007. One thing my wife and I enjoy is attending weddings of our friends because that’s the time when we see many of our college friends. Many of our friends have moved away from this area for schools, jobs, and even missions so we don’t get to meet or hear about them. But thanks to facebook, I am able to see pictures, read about their lives, ministries, and connect with them through internet.  How amazing is that? I’ve been using facebook for a couple years now but I never fully appreciate this great tool that God gave to us.
According to Wiki answers.com, an average person, during his lifespan of 60-62 years, meets 67,000 people. Of course I don’t have that many friends on facebook nor do I have that many contacts on my phone or email, but it’s amazing how many people we come in contact with in our lifetime. Out of the thousands of people that I have met over 30 years of my life, I probably talk to less than 5% of those people on a regular basis, including my family and co-workers. However, I must say many individuals have made an impact, small or big, on what kind of person I am now. There were teachers, friends, family members, and mentors who encouraged me and brought out the best in me and my abilities when I was deeply discouraged and was struggling with my insecurities. I cherish every conversation, the meals we shared, the times we spent with one another and the prayers and tears that we shed together. It would be awesome to have a big reunion with all the people that I miss. However, the only way that can happen is in heaven so I pray that everyone that I came in contact with, the people that I shared my life with, my friends and family will be in heaven when I get there.
It must be the weather that’s making me feel this way these days. I’m getting somewhat moody and emotional about little things and those of you who know me will certainly say something’s wrong with me because I usually have a hard time expressing my own feelings. My wife will surely agree with me on this one. I’m slowly learning to process my feelings and emotions. Hopefully it will lead me to the next step of expressing it!

From Pastor Brian’s Heart 
October 14, 2012